I feel so unequipped a lot of the time. So much of the time!
It has become part of the new normal for me living in a country that’s not my home country, in a language and culture that isn’t my first language. There are funny moments but there are moments of loneliness and frustration because of it.
There’s no where in the bible where god says he wants to use the most qualified people or the best speakers or the best (insert your profession or field here). This is something basic but I keep forgetting it. And I fight to believe God’s promises more that my emotions and what I feel in the moment… because I know my heart is corrupted and I can’t even trust that.
Feeling so out of my league is one of those things that grinds me down and I constantly have to seek what is real, what is true, what is noble, what is right (see Philippians 4:8… a great verse to live by). I have to fight to remember that my identity isn’t in what I can or can’t do, it’s in Jesus. I can align myself with him and trust him or trust in other stuff, like my own abilities, my friendships, my current situation. All those things will change or could possibly in one instant come crashing down… but not Jesus.
It comforts me so much to remember that he doesn’t call me to be ‘really good’ at something but calls me to be ‘faithful and obedient’ to him and him alone. So I try to remember to be faithful in all that he has charged me to do today. I try to remember to be obedient no matter how hard or lonely or boring (yes it can get boring here) life gets. I want to be faithful and true to Jesus until the end. I want these boys to see that quality and maybe be inspired to be like that themselves. And honestly, if I’m really good at something and I’m not struggling with it, then I’m not going to depend on god to get me through it and I’m not as likely to remember the great and supreme importance that I need to place on my daily choices to be faithful and obedient above all else.
So, yes, I’m unequipped… often I think I’m the definition of unequipped. But that’s exactly where God wants me and can use me the most, if I allow him. And the same goes for you. Don’t fool yourself that you can get out of doing something God has called you to do just because you say your not good at it… you may be robbing yourself of an opportunity to grow exponentially and move wonderfully closer to God in the process!